Cliff and Laura's Family Blog

Ah, April 30th. The day I always hope will be sunny like it was the year of 2006, so I can relive that feeling I had with the sun streaming in, holding my tiny baby. I was born into motherhood that day. Maddy's growth amazes me, but when I think about it, so does my own. My efficiency, steadfastness, and dedication are qualities I regularly work on, and it shows. I don't think about how to be the best mom, I think about how to live up to my own expectations of myself, and all else follows. I don't know if I could have found that without being a parent.



This morning, birthday girl Maddy decided her first order of business being a big 3 year old was to make her own sandwich for breakfast. This involved getting out the bread, the jam, the knife for spreading the jam. And leaving the fridge door open, of course! She spread the jam herself, and put the bread (unclosed) and the jam back in the fridge.



Not only can she make her own sandwich, she gets her own water from the brita tap we have in the fridge, and brings me water on occasion! Maddy amazes me every day in the ways she is maturing out of toddlerdom. Just yesterday she wanted blueberries in her yogurt, but we were out, so I offered jam instead. She was so upset over no blueberries that she cried, "I don't want jam!" and stormed off. She went to sit in the front doorway, which was open, and quietly stared at the scenery and appeared to be in deep thought. Then she calmly returned to the kitchen and said, "it's ok, I'll have jam." Her ability to collect herself with no direction from me totally blew my mind, and reminded me that I can trust Maddy to find her own ways of dealing. Her emotions are very quick to fire up and equally quick to cool.

Maddy's party is on Sunday, but our neighbors brought her some presents today. Here she is assembling her body layers puzzle.





This evening I watched a friend's daughter, who is five. The girls played together and went from initially being a heavily weighted social situation in which the five year old bossed Maddy around and Maddy, just grateful for the attention, was acquiescent. I was beginning to worry but just kept within earshot. Five year old pushed and pushed until Maddy asserted herself and said, "no, I don't want to play that." Not sure exactly what it was, but it involved her wanting Maddy to grab her with a grabber-claw thing on a stick. When Maddy came to me, I simply stated, "You don't have to play anything you don't want to play," and that was that. They found something else to play, and had a generally pleasant evening. The whole dynamic changed, and it was a much more equal situation. I'm so proud of Maddy, I could just burst! This is exactly what I want from Maddy... for her to be able to speak up, and seek out assurance when she needs it.

It takes a lot of trust, patience, and care to let situations play out and be effective life lessons for Maddy. I'm glad I have recently challenged myself to step up on my creative thinking, and also to take a moment and not act on impulse. After all, isn't like 99% of parenting just modeling the desired behavior? I realized as I was pondering all this, this evening, that I actually look forward to the mistakes Maddy will make, as those are the greatest opportunities for growth. Perseverance is one trait I managed to develop without really thinking about it, and I hope I can pass that along in a passive modeling way.

I'm thinking about other traits I possess that I may be getting rusty on, like creativity. Today, feeling totally uninspired in the kitchen, I nearly told Cliff to just buy lunch today. I normally tell him to come home for lunch to save money, since he works so close to home. However, with a fridge full of food and a number of expenses on the horizon, I sucked it up and put something together. It was a beautiful chicken salad with pecans, cranberries, cucumbers, and an orange vinaigrette. It was amazing! I was anticipating cheese sandwiches. Practicing creativity makes me a better mama. It takes the edge off. It fosters creativity in other areas, like problem solving and coming up with boredom-busting activities.


By the way, that picture up at the top was looking out of the room that is now Maddy's room. Here are some pictures of it's near-completion. It would be done by now, but the flooring took an extra month getting to us.







Amelia has a had a difficult couple of days. She's a pretty happy baby in general, so it's not so bad, but she has been a little less "talkative," more sleepy, needs me to hold her a lot. And when I'm not holding her, she needs to be holding something she can explore and/or bite. Her teeth have been threatening to pop out for nearly 5 months... maybe we're getting close?

OK, I admit it... I wake up drenched in sunlight, snuggled next to two beautiful little princesses, one of which still slumbers, and the other coos happily at me. I waltz her to the bathroom, where I lay her in her bouncy seat, where she continues to gurgle and sing while I enjoy a warm shower. I dry off, admire myself in the mirror, dress practically, and dust my face with mineral powder before scooping up the littlest princess and dancing down the stairs and out the door to greet the sun and wave goodbye to Daddy, headed off to work.



Then I make scones.



Perfect little heart shape scones.



I serve it up with a cup of coffee and almond milk, for me.



I save some for Maddy, who, by the time I finish breakfast, is starting to stir.



I roll around in the crisp white sheets with the princesses, and then we do some morning yoga



and smile and laugh and... oh wait. Maddy's crying,



and the floor looks like this!



Still, I love mornings.

Every brilliant success is preceded by numerous failures with lessons to feed the eventual success.

Drive will come when I'm driven.

Success is dependent on many things: timing, support, wisdom, honesty, passion, desperation, and again... many previous lessons.

Persistence, even in very small amounts spread out over a long amount of time, always pays off.

The kids are covered by health insurance. (Maddy has a new injury every week. I only fear it's going to get worse.)

Children are incredibly resilient, forgiving, well-intentioned, and loving.

Devoting my time and energy to my children during their formative years is a gift they will take with them through childhood and on into adulthood. There is no need to rush things, since before I know it, they will be rushing away from me!

It's always good practice to go over your key values to re-establish your groove.

*****************

There are many things I said before I was a parent, or while Maddy was still a baby. Things I thought were so very important and things I wanted to avoid. Now, it is harder to stick to those things but it does not mean I was wrong. I was ready to face the challenge of living up to my values back then. Now, I am a stronger and more resourceful person than I was when I said those words, so I certainly have what it takes to follow the advice of my younger self. Lately I've been hearing my own voice of yesteryear and taking my own constructive criticism, with pleasant results. I consider my idealism as a strength, as it poses a challenge to stick to my ideals. I project an idealistic environment, an idealistic attitude, and an idealistic result. I don't consider idealism to be oppositional to realism, but more of an exalted form of realism. A goal for reality. There is nothing wrong with making an effort to make the world a better place!

1. Amelia loves to gum her toes. As soon as the diaper comes off, she smiles and puts her toe in her mouth!

2. Amelia has become quite good at reaching out and grabbing things in front of her. Especially when I am carrying her while cooking... she's grabbed a few spoons out of my hands!

3. Amelia loves to laugh... especially when Maddy dances!

4. Amelia has slept most of the night since about week 5. She also sleeps very well for naps so long as nobody makes any loud noises (like Maddy).

5. Amelia does not like to face towards me when we walk. She must be facing the world and watching everything. Even when she is sleepy, she would much rather fall asleep watching the world than nestled against my chest.

6. Amelia has been teething since she turned 2 months. Nearly 2.5 months later... still no teeth!

7. Amelia does not like a wet diaper. She welcomes a diaper change with smiles! Smart cookie.

8. Amelia has very strong fingernails. They don't tear off when they get long like most baby's fingernails do. I have to cut them every two days, and if I don't... well, we both have the scars to show for it.

9. Amelia gets nervous whenever she does not see me and I'm not holding her or if she is being held and she sees me (therefore someone else must be holding her). She is bonded well enough to Cliff that she is ok with just him, though! As long as she isn't hungry. (FWIW, Cliff didn't do anything special to "bond" with her. He's just there, and she likes him!)

10. Amelia is very balanced with her time. She sleeps, nurses, plays... all in proper moderation. I am a very unscheduled person and don't count hours, but it's really clear when she sleeps more or nurses more because for the most part she doesn't change up these habits.

following the saga of my personal crisis, here's my horoscope from cafeastrology.com:

If Today is Your Birthday: February 1

The Year Ahead
Forecast for January 2009 to January 2010

Jupiter transiting your Sun this year indicates a greater awareness of moral issues, and a stronger than usual desire to improve and learn during this period of your life. This is a fortunate aspect that suggests optimism and confidence are with you, and you are able to attract fortunate circumstances into your life as a result. Problems are easier to resolve this year. Your social life will likely increase and bring you in contact with more influential, powerful, or simply happy and helpful people. Travel opportunities are likely. It is not uncommon to marry, have children, graduate college, increase income, do freelance work, get a promotion, publish a book, or receive public recognition under this influence. Matters related to universities, higher education, organized religion, publishing, legal affairs, and foreign interests proceed smoothly. This is an excellent year in which to seek advanced training or to further your education. Sun/Jupiter aspects often correlate with ceremonies that formally acknowledge past achievements. The Sun semi-square Venus in your Solar Return chart indicates a possible tendency to overdo pleasures, whether these include over-eating, over-spending, or other such matters.

The Sun conjunct the North Node in your Solar Return indicates that you may assume a leadership role this year. You are likely to establish connections and/or relationships with people that help forward your own personal growth. Teamwork and camaraderie, as well as meaningful connections, are themes. You feel your life has definite purpose this year. Through your contacts with others, you are encouraged to grow.

Venus sextile Mars in your Solar Return signifies pleasant sexual tension, libidinal attraction, and playful competitiveness in relationships this year. Romance is in the air, as this aspect increases your sensuality, sex appeal, and animal magnetism. Marriage could occur in such a year. Now is also a good time to engage in creative projects and to join with others in pursuing a common goal. If you are involved in competition, you may very well come out a winner.

However, Venus also squares Pluto. Pluto adds intensity to the mix, as well as some suspiciousness and more emotional drama! With Pluto, you are attempting to transcend the ordinary in your life. Venus-Pluto can be erotic and intense, but the extreme passions it arouses can also express themselves in jealousies and possessiveness. Jealousies are directly related to the fear of losing someone. Something tiny can trigger all sorts of buried emotions, and this can be very revealing! If you find yourself dredging up old hurts, examine the emotional "slush" you've been carrying around with you. Avoid taking it out on your partner or on yourself. This aspect can also suggest making a large purchase or payment and having to adjust your spending as a result.

Mercury conjuncts Mars, sextiles Uranus and trines Saturn in your Return chart, suggesting much activity on mental and communication levels. Your mind is especially alert, active, and clear. These influences excite and over-stimulate the whole nervous system. Be careful to avoid cutting words and aggressive driving. You may be involved in frequent lectures, debates, and discussions during the year. You can convey your ideas more powerfully. You are quick to take the initiative and to put your thoughts into action. Adventuresome travel may be part of the picture. You may be more actively involved with young people. Steady progress in mental pursuits figures strongly in your year ahead. New ideas can be effectively put into action.

A mostly optimistic attitude can carry you far this year. You are very much on track when it comes to going after what you want and pursuing your goals, and mental pursuits thrive. Relationships are stimulating this year. You are eager to take on a challenge and happily engage in friendly competition, although jealousies and fears in relationships are also possible.


2009 is a Number Five year for you. Ruled by Mercury. This is a year of exploration and freedom. It's a time when exploration and reaching out to others brings opportunities. It's a good time to advertise and sell. Surprises are in store, and the routine is broken. This is a year when exciting relationships can be formed, or, if you are already in a partnership, new life is breathed into the relationship. Advice - explore, look for adventure, keep your eyes open for opportunities, mingle.

2010 will be a Number Six year for you. Ruled by Venus. This is a year of relative contentment. It is a time when love is the easiest to attract, and partnerships formed under this vibration have a better chance for longevity. You are able to attract others, and material things as well, this year. This is a good year for establishing harmony in the family and in the home. Advice - develop existing relationships, be positive and receptive because these kinds of energies help you to attract what you desire.

I think that is an optimistic outlook!

WASH DISHES Just to be clear, 90% of last night's post was hypothetical. MAKE PANCAKES, EAT BREAKFAST There are certainly points of suffering that come with obsessive dedication to a specific thing. While I don't like to think it would stand in my way, there is a definite fear of failure. There are also the ever-present concerns over time "wasted," cost of materials, less time for social interaction. LAUNDRY

I know when Cliff gets obsessed with an idea, he becomes... well, a thoughtless jerk. WRAP A PRESENT FOR TONIGHT'S B-DAY PARTY Every thing outside of his big idea are an assault on his headspace, general housework can wait (or rather all get done by me). The thing is, he doesn't even realize how much time has passed, he is so focused. I keep my complaints to a minimum because I know this focused energy is what keeps him going. It's what puts food on our table. But with two Cliff's, that food would never get prepared. FIND MADDY A NOSE TISSUE

TAKE AMELIA UPSTAIRS TO NURSE AND NAP. One big trait to blame is a lack of work ethic. I don't know what it's like to obsess with something until I'm one of the best. But if you look at my childhood, it was filled with work. My typical chore list for a school day was to clean my room, vacuum the livingroom, set the table, and wash dishes and wipe the counters/table. On Saturday I would clean the bathroom and on Sunday I would mop the kitchen. I also did all my own laundry and was expected to help my dad with the yard work. In the fall I would spend several hours a weekend raking leaves, chopping yard debris, and stacking wood. STOP MADDY FROM DESTROYING THE DEODORANT AND CLEAN UP THE MESS SHE MADE. I didn't have time for my passions. They were not important. The only time I got to swim was when I was on swim team for two months out of the year. I didn't practice on weekends like my better teammates, as much as I yearned to. Art was done in art class only. I was called, "the artist of the family," but no action was taken to cultivate my apparent talent. I worked hard to get scholarships and used my christmas money to afford the classes myself. For two hours a weekend I could lose myself in a painting, and then it was back to the grind of homework and house work. Even my homework took a backseat to house work, but since I would get in trouble for not doing that, it was second. I didn't have time for much more after that than daydreaming--which I also got in trouble for.

I didn't learn the value of hard work. Not in the sense that by working hard you will accomplish something great. I learned the value of menial labor. While hearing that I didn't want to grow up to be a housewife so I should do well in school, I was learning to be just that. And I'm a damn good one, if I do say so myself. COMFORT AMELIA. But I learned that keeping house is the most important priority. Not happiness, not passions, not entrepreneur-ship. Menial labor. CHANGE DIAPER. I could wait until the chores were done to pursue passions. I could wait until college. I could wait until after the initial course requirements. I could wait while the college phased out my major for a different one. I could wait through classes with teachers who ignored my questions and weren't that interesting anyway. I could look it up in a book. I could wait until college is over. I could wait until I have some savings. I could find happiness in simplicity. I could start a family. I could wait until the kids are asleep. I could wait until the kids are older.

I am just so tired of waiting. You see all those all-caps phrases thrown in there willy-nilly? Those are things I interrupted this blog entry for. It has taken me over three hours to write this up to this point. Right now I'm thinking of cleaning. I'm thinking of that load in the drier that might be about done, and the stuff in the washer that needs to be dried soon because it's the couch covers that Maddy peed on last night. I'm not thinking about art. I'm not thinking about swimming. I don't honestly think I'll make it to a pool until May, and even then it's not like I will swim. I will have one or two children hanging on me. There was a time I swam a minimum of 6 hours a day, a short semester in a college in New York that I dropped out of because everything else fell by the wayside. It wasn't enough to keep me afloat. I can't do it on my own, and nobody can.

So the best I can do now is look at Maddy, and then Amelia. I can make sure their early passions don't get squashed by duty. I can do whatever it takes to help cultivate their dreams. Michael Phelps mom drove him to practice every day, and that is the kind of mom I want my kids to have. BACK TO THE LAUNDRY.

Man, this turned dreary. And I have to stop typing because I'm barely keeping Amelia from losing it, patting her and holding a teether for her. The plight of the housewife. BREAK FOR AMELIA.

I didn't want to end this entry on that note. What I've been wanting to say is that Candice, you make a good point. If I don't know what I want to do with my time, my ideas haven't simmered long enough. These formative years for the kids can be my own formative years to figure out what I want to do. How much thinking does it take, though? I've been lying awake nights for three years, thinking. And before that. I think I might be getting there, though. This last bit of my developing maturity may just help me over this hill. I'm 27, as of Feb 1st, the beginning of that magical time when the brain goes through some final emotional changes. So, I'm off. To go simmer some more. And sweep the floor.

My neighbor lent me a wonderful book that has had some buzz lately, Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell. I'm not going to summarize it here other than to say that it is about success and how it is achieved through circumstance more than anything. However, there are some good strong points about what one can do to improve one's chance of success, and one is particularly intriguing to me because it seems so... foolproof. Given one has the motivation and longevity to do it.

Log 10,000 hours into the activity you wish to master. That's it. But do realize, there aren't 10,000 hours in a year. 12 hours a day of such activity would take over 2 years to accomplish. 6 hours a day for 5 years. 3 hours a day for 10 years. That is doable, and still takes some major dedication.

This brings me to my big question for myself and readers... if you had to choose something to master by doing for 3 hours a day for the next 10 years, what would it be?

Here are some points you may consider. You undoubtedly have some hobby or activity that you already have logged many hours into. Here are some I can think of: drawing, writing, cooking, gardening, swimming. I've long wanted to be a good illustrator. I can draw, but I do not excel at it. That is certainly doable. Swimming is a love of mine, but getting to a pool for three hours a day is not likely and is most certain to fail.

But how about something more outrageous, or more lofty? I've always wished I could be a gymnast. Every summer Olympics I stare in amazement at how they move their bodies so masterfully on the uneven bars, the beam. Even just the floor exercise, which is a little more feasible. I could take up piano. Mathematics. Garment construction.

I think of who I will be in 10 years time. I will be 37. My children will be 10 and 12. I could be here, I could have moved, I could be anywhere. I most definitely will be in or thinking of a new career. Is now the time to make that decision? Now, when I have the chance to start logging 10,000 hours? Will I start succeeding before that 10,000 hours is completed? Will I be recognized for my well-earned talent?

The key is to step forward and do not doubt. To foster that activity into an obsession. To be dedicated enough that if I have to I will use the wee hours of 3AM-6AM while the kids are sleeping to put in my practice time. The big question is, what will those wee hours be dedicated to? 10,000 wee hours, that is. If you would start tomorrow at mastering a new skill (or one you have put some time into), what would it be?

I've said it before and I'll say it again many times: Amelia is a very different baby than Maddy was. For instance, right from the beginning I noticed that when she's done nursing, she's done nursing. No lingering around for comfort like Maddy did. Maddy would fall asleep and still be clinging on. Amelia would rather suck on her hand, as it has no milk flow. But she gets frustrated and I can tell she wants to comfort suck, but any milk present at all will make her unlatch if she's not hungry.

So I did it, I bought the pacifier. The first day I offered it to her, she couldn't keep it in her mouth. So I put it aside for a few days and then one evening when she was fussing and rooting but then refusing the breast, I popped "Goldi" in, and she fell asleep in minutes. Goldi is a natural rubber pacifier I saw recommended on Leah's blog. I've come to really like it, actually. Its flat shape is a great enforcer of a correct latch, as the disk part presses against the nose and chin like the breast would. I can see her lips curled back against it, and when she switches from rubber nipple to real nipple, her latch feels natural and comfortable.

Goldi is now with us all the time. Amelia has stopped spitting up almost entirely, which is a huge relief. She has all out projectile vomited more times than I'd like to count. I could tell this was from when she was done nursing but wanted to suck and just, well, sucked it up so she could get to sleep. She's sleeping a lot better in the daytime as well.

Amelia knows what she wants and makes it very clear. We are often going back and forth between rubber and real nipple. She's filling the same normal amount of diapers and falling asleep with greater ease.

I never thought I'd love a pacifier. But I'm also not one to suffer (or let my baby suffer) for my pride or good intentions. Maddy never had a pacifier as a baby, but had one when she prematurely weaned due to my pregnancy. It helped ease the transition. I thought I'd never see one in my house again after she cut hers up with scissors and we had to say goodbye. I find myself already worrying about how we will get Amelia off the pacifier someday... but I have to stop and remind myself that life is full of surprises, and very little in young childhood can be planned.

In 2009...
Amelia will learn to walk.
Madeline will have her first dance class.
Amelia will have her first food.
Madeline will amaze me with something I don't even know yet.
My sister will be married!
Cliff will start a new business venture.
My neighbors will produce a children's play.
My neighbor will teach me to crewel!
Madeline's room will be finished.
Some major changes will happen to the house.

I will find something fulfilling and the time and space to do it.

When babies cry, we go down a list of reasons immediately... hungry? tired? binding clothing? more and more often I'm finding Amelia's reason is out of boredom. She watches Maddy and wants to do the things she does, but at just three months old, her little legs won't even push her around, let alone walk. She looks like she was something to say, but all that comes out is "gaaaaaaah." Amelia is very smiley and communicative in her own way. She smiles and giggles at me when she finishes nursing, when I change her diaper, or when she's been watching me while I'm busy and then I catch her looking at me. She loves it when people talk to her and make funny faces. When she's not smiling and giggling and making eye contact, she's carefully studying things--her hands, the ceiling, the lights, objects in reach. I've started putting her on her tummy periodically and she struggles with her arms and legs and with holding her head up. She needs that struggle.

She's fascinated by us putting food in our mouths, and has been working on coordinating her hands to reach her own mouth. She grabs at her feet and knees, she looks at her feet and then the reflection of her feet in the mirror--back and forth, back and forth, figuring it all out. Reading a book to her helps with her restlessness before bedtime. I wonder if she's so different from Maddy, or whether I just missed it with Maddy out of inexperience. I'm just so bewildered by how very visual Amelia is, and how eager she is to grow out of baby stage.

Meanwhile, Madeline is caught in between her own urges to push past her age and her desire to still be Mommy and Daddy's little baby. We love to cuddle her and also enjoy the more "grown up" activities like coloring and reading, putting puzzles together, building things out of blocks, riding her bike, and throwing balls back and forth. I think she does see the benefit of being the one with the more interesting things to do... but she's suspicious of anyone who may be enjoying something without her, including Amelia!

This morning I put Amelia on her tummy on the couch and then put my hand behind her feet so she could push herself along. She pushed her self right up to Maddy, who was sitting on the other end of the couch, keeping her eyes focused on her big sister the whole time!

It's been almost three months now since Amelia slid into our lives, and about time I told you all about her!

Amelia differs from Maddy as a baby in many ways. Other than general temperament, I'm sure at least some of it has to do with the amount of entertainment she is constantly surrounded by! I forgot how eager little babies are to grow up. This morning she was trying to crawl! Mostly just flopping her arms and legs and wiggling on her stomach, but definitely digging her feet in to propel herself forward. I keep telling her she can take her time and just enjoy being a little squishy blob for awhile, but she just beams at me with her bright eyes and gummy smile. She's very talkative, engaging me in entire baby-talk conversations daily. Her little fingers are constantly clutching--at me, at herself, at whatever we place in her hands.;

She has a calmer demeanor than Maddy did. I could place her down for a nap and she'd sleep a good long time if it weren't for Maddy the toddler waking her up with her general loudness and curiosity. As it is, Amelia takes her naps in my arms where I can keep her asleep... and sometimes she moves me to drift off to sleep as well. She's getting heavier by the day; I can feel it in my numbing arm under her heavy head. Her baby acne is gone and her cheeks are round and firm and velvety soft. I like to tuck my face in the crook of her neck and just breathe in her baby smell and feel her fresh warmth against my own skin.

I love the monkey-like clinginess of a baby! And those big wide eyes checking out the world. That is Amelia's favorite thing to do. Nothing soothes her better than hanging out in the pouch, facing out, while I bustle about the kitchen or go for a walk. If I face her towards me she cranes her neck as far as she can to get a good look at the world. She likes to ride up on my shoulder where she can watch the world behind me.

Madeline has been... difficult. I can't really say what can be attributed to her age and what can be attributed to her big life change--or maybe it's age exacerbated by life change or vice versa. In any case, most of my frustration these days is with Maddy. I try giving her all the attention I can, snuggling her at night once Amelia's asleep, cutting her some slack, letting her work out her feelings as loudly as she needs to... but nothing will change what she's going through. We hold Amelia together, blow raspberries on her belly, read books. We have good times. I also hear blood curdling screams coming from that adorable porcelain face a few times a day... moreso than Amelia! Amelia has always had to share her attention from Mommy... something Maddy never had to do until three months ago. Our neighbors have been a blessing. We go visit and Maddy can color, run around, and get ample attention and treats from them while I sit back and nurse Amelia.

Amelia loves books. If she sees a bookshelf, she will lean towards it to examine the bold titles. When I read books to the girls, she either stares or smiles and giggles at the pictures. I had tried and tried to read books with Maddy as a baby and was met with complete disinterest... until she was big enough to rip pages and try to chew on them. So this visual fascination with books on Amelia's part is very new and very welcome! Maddy has certainly made up for the early disinterest. She has started to memorize her favorites and "read" them herself!

Between the two girls, I feel like we have perfect balance. Maddy is a challenging spirit, and I love that. I look forward to the kinds of conversations we'll have as she matures. Amelia is a gentler, more kindred spirit. I think she will greatly benefit from a challenging older sister, as I certainly have. If Amelia continues to be a little more like me (she certainly looks more like me), then I look forward to our quiet creative endeavors together.

I'll leave you with some pictures from our snowy week we've had.

My EDD was 9/20, but I had a strong feeling I'd be going over that date. I had been focused on 9/23, but it was the evening of 9/24 that I got my first contractions. I didn't recognize them as contractions at first because they were completely different than my first labor. Those contractions had felt like a vice was squeezing my abdomen front and back. These felt like a heavy weight pressing down against my whole pelvic area. I was having these contractions 5-10 minutes apart all night long. Since I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried to, I decided to make myself a nice birthing space. I dragged our cheap little hide-a-bed into the bedroom we are remodeling for Maddy, and then covered it with plastic sheets and then with some old sheets, some pillows, some chux pads. I got a water bottle filled and by that time I couldn't do much more than concentrate on the contractions, and the sun was coming up. I went downstairs to where Cliff had fallen asleep on the couch. I told him labor had picked up and he helped me time a few contractions. They were 3 minutes apart. I went to take a bath and Maddy woke up and joined me. I explained to her that the baby was coming very soon. When I had strong contractions, I made sure to finish them with a smile to assure her all was well. It worked and she remained happy and chatty. Cliff called our doula, Nicole, and told her what was up. We decided that since Maddy had been responding to others' needs by being really needy herself, that it was best we dressed her and sent her over to the neighbor's house, where we had pre-arranged to send her. She was happy to go and they were happy to have her.

I continued to labor, concentrating on breathing and relaxing and visualizing downward movement. I felt very pushy throughout the whole labor. Not so much like pushing the baby out, but bearing down with every contraction. I had a lot of pain in my lower back and kept shifting positions to try to alleviate that pain. I really wanted to lay down, but every time I tried, the pain was a lot worse. About the time I was looking out the window to see if Nicole was there yet, she arrived. She brought with her a magnificent little massage ball. Cliff and Nicole took turns putting pressure and massage on my lower back with each contraction.



The labor was pretty monotonous and just steadily got more painful and I got more and more tired. I spent most of the time kneeling on the hide-a-bed with my upper body supported on the backrest. I tried to drink a glass of Emergen-C, but threw it all up immediately, so I didn't eat or drink much the whole day. I sipped water and ate a few frozen grapes. The weather was nice that day. The sun was shining through all the windows and it was very calm. The general atmosphere was very calm around my intense little space, and looking back on it, this is one of my favorite things about the labor. My other favorite thing is the support of Nicole and Cliff. I'm glad they could share the task of massaging my back, because I needed it badly every single contraction. I remember at one point, I couldn't talk and I guess it slipped Cliff's mind and I grabbed his hand and shoved it onto my back!

I was much more aware of what was going on during this labor than my previous one, and it helped to have a small grasp of it. I could feel with every contraction my energy peaking, and then as soon as it was over, I wanted to just pass out asleep. Then slowly my energy would build again and another contraction was imminent. I was able to alert my support people that I needed massage before the contraction even started, and that helped a lot.

It got to the point where I felt defeated, and I spoke freely about it. I talked about how I couldn't even imagine a baby at the end of this torment. I felt like I would just fruitlessly be in horrible pain forever. Then I started to get very emotional, and went on and on about how grateful I was for Cliff and Nicole's steadfast support, how I would look back on this fondly, somehow. I knew on some level of myself that this was classic pre-transition behavior, perhaps a peak in prolactin, but I didn't care if I was being cheesy and predictable. It made me realize that this was all normal and all would be ok.

Then labor just got so painful and intense I was screaming and cursing. I needed some kind of relief. I just could not believe that this baby was coming even in the next hour, so I decided to fill the bathtub. The bath only filled an inch or two when I jumped in. I had to kneel, I couldn't sit, so I leaned agaainst the side of the tub. It got so intense that I stood up, and that's when I realized the baby was crowning. Cliff turned the water off and tried to get me to get out of the tub, but I was frozen in place. I was afraid of slipping during this delicate time. Besides, there was no break between contractions at this point. My feet were braced against either end of the bathtub, I was leaning into Cliff and the side of the tub, and I had one hand down between my legs, feeling the emerging head. I had been feeling down there throughout the labor, and nothing had felt like a head until now. Even still, the caul was still covering the baby's head. My body was pushing and contracting so hard that I was attempting to breathe and relax so I could try not to tear sand maybe get the head out in the next contraction, after a slight break. Did not happen. The whole head came in one long arduous contraction.



Then came the big long wait for the next contraction. I remember this happening with my first birth. There was this head dangling there, caul torn and hanging off of it. The mystery still intact... is my baby ok? What does my baby look like? Is it a boy or a girl? OK, now... is it going to come out? The next contraction felt weak at first and I was a little worried because at this point I was ready to have the baby out. It built up and got just enough oomph at the end that my baby slipped out in a gush of fluids. Before I even had her turned over to face me, Cliff announced her gender! We had been, honestly, hoping for a girl so we were very pleased. I had been very open to the possibility of having the challenge and different experience of a boy as well. But having two beautiful girls is such a blessing!



It was tricky getting out of the tub without slipping, as I was woozy from just going through all that, plus I was still connected to my baby and she was very slippery! Her head was covered in vernix and blood. I was able to get to the bedroom where I had labored and finally got to lay down with my baby. We were wrapped in towels and blankets, and I asked Nicole to go get Maddy. I wanted her to see the baby right away! I was so overcome with emotion, it's hard to even put it into words. I was smiling and crying and glowing over this precious child I worked so hard for... yet her presence overshadowed the labor so much that it was all in the past. Cliff and I quickly agreed that the latest name we'd been tossing around, Amelia, was fitting.

Cliff toweled off a lot of the blood before Maddy got there, but she still saw a lot because there was a LOT of blood. It had been coming out with most of the contractions, and then there was the blood all over my legs from the actual birth. She didn't mind, though, as I had explained to her that there would be blood and she isn't scared of blood normally anyway. It was more of a point of fascination for her. I had also been showing her pictures of babies still attached to umbilical cords and explained that she could help cut it. It was nice to wait longer to cut it this time. With Maddy, it was so short that I couldn't even comfortably hold her with it still attached, so we cut it as soon as it stopped pulsating. About ten minutes later, I birthed the placenta with ease, much like my first birth. As soon as this was done, we hopped in the bath.



Amelia was very calm right away. She made very small mewing noises and was quite awake. When she nursed, she made a sound like, “hep, hep, hep.” So very cute! When my milk came in just two days later (after a lot of nursing on empty, ouch!), she made the noise during the letdown. She was very sleepy for the first weeks, taking a little time to “wake up.” I'd heard of this phenomenon, but never experienced it before! It was a good thing, too, because Maddy needed some extra attention while she got used to the idea of sharing her space with a new, needy person. And of course I also needed my rest. We slept long hours together and enjoyed the meals people brought us.

Thanks for all the support everyone!

I had a baby! And then I wrote most of my birth story, and then when I saved my blog ate it. I'm so annoyed. Most of it was typed with one hand while holding Amelia and was not easy. Gah. So I'll try again later.

Here are the few pictures I've taken of the belly...

My garden has been amazing! Tomatoes are ripening daily. I learned a lot from this year of gardening (do NOT plant string beans next to cucumbers... it's true that they hate each other!) and hope it's even better next year. My neighbor agrees that the tomato patch needs to double next year, as well as the corn rows.

In the picture below, you may notice some dark pinkish cherry tomatoes. These are the chocolate cherry tomatoes I managed to grow from seed. Not only do they taste amazing and look really cool, they grow like mad! I want at least three of these plants next year.